my dad told me a story once. not sure why he told me this, but it was one of those rare times when he decided that i was grown enough now that he could speak to me as an adult and talk a bit about his past. his story was about what happened right before he decided that my mom was the one for him. there was apparently another lady that my pops had his eye on and i guess whom he had been hangin out with (or whatever they did back in the day!). So right before he decided my mom was "the one", he had to settle his feelings about this lady. so he went to her to tell her how he felt and see how she felt about spending the rest of his life with him. according to him, he was quite unsure about this move and about his relationship with this lady in general, as his friends were also not sold that the lady was the right one. so he got to this lady's place and they had a nice little chat during which she told him that she was also seeing someone else and the guy had asked her to marry him and she had accepted.
my dad often stops there? im then left wondering how he felt with that shocker from the lady. was he heart broken? as a christian man, did he feel that it simply wasnt meant to be and that God would provide the right "one" at his time? did he try to convince her to take him instead? did he walk away with his pride? head held high? did he regret being too late?
so i asked him some of these questions recently and his response was that he was ok with her response. he wasn't sure if she was the right one anyway, and her response just sealed the fact that she wasn't. so he was just happy with the closure. hmm... i guess hindsight is always 20-20. i wonder if he wouldve responded the same way 33 years ago coming back from the lady's house after being utterly rejected. a man's pride is a well-guarded and treasured artifact.
why did i think of this story from my dad? and why now? well, i was talking to a friend a week or so ago and he told me a story that sounded so similar and as he got more emotional about his encounter with this girl, i remembered this story from my dad and subsequently gave up on trying to find an answer to his questions. after giving it some more thought tho, i actually think the questions that such encounters pose are far more worthwhile exploring and allowing to simmer in the deep centres of our minds than simply an answer that may not embrace the intricacies of the situation. my friend was going through what a lot of men have probably gone through. here he was, just after having poured his heart out to a girl he was crazy about and being utterly rejected. how does he deal with that? i'd heard him speak about this girl so many times and he must have been closer to in love with this girl than he's been with any girl he'd spoken about in the past. the problem was that this girl, although a friend, apparently knew nothing of his love and was busy carrying on with her life. he had somehow convinced himself that she felt the same way and that additionally brought him to an edge of self-despair, regret, and hurt. i'd seen this guy through a lot in the short time i'd known him, but never had i seen him in such a state. the power and hold that women can and often do hold on us guys is real and immense!
as this guy wept and i brewed over our conversation, i began to ask myself some of those same questions that he was wondering as well. when do you know when the one is the one? how can you keep from regretting decisions made in the past? when do you hold on and how do you know when to let go? how far do you go to convince the "one" that she belongs to you and you to her? after all that convincing, assuming you win in the contest, will there be more pressure to perform? how much/far do you chase? do you just do as my dad and brush it off as something not meant to be, or do you try relentlessly? maybe God knows better than us and she's not as perfect for you as you once thought? for how long does this feeling of hopelessness, despair and loss last? how do you guard from having that love become a lost love?
was this normal for my friend to go through? i thought so. but it was painful for him. i think it still is painful. but we all grow from each experience we face. and my word of the wise (tho he probably didnt want to hear it) was that "the one" is the one we decide/choose is the one. therefore there would be many more opportunities to meet another "the one". (if anyone has better and wiser words, pls let me know!). i hope i'm right! i could feel the hurt in him.
on a completely unrelated note, i'm currently listening to a tiiii-te tune that is definitely worth checking out! i've had it on repeat now for a couple hrs!
7 comments:
Yup, agree with your words of wisdom. Also agree that it may be hard to believe/accept at times, but alas...life must go on.
My, my...Our little Folu is getting wiser in his old age :-p
nyla! i was just thinking of leaving a nasty comment on nvision's blog about updating!
i've been old for some time now...the wisdom is just now catchin up...
I don't think there is such a thing as "The One" - it is a man-made indulgence in the ideal, simply put. I can't say I feel too sorry for him because I've been on the rejecting side of guys for a very long time now - pouring your heart out to someone comes with risks and if you're not prepared to do the time, don't do the crime. Besides, guys always complain about girls and what power they hold over them, but ultimately, they still keep going back to get burnt... keep basing their attraction to someone on fleeting stuff.
There is a lot you can invest emotion in, but there is no point investing emotion if you are getting nothing out of it. Maybe this dude should have said something earlier - instead of storing it all up and blurting it out, he should have tested the waters beforehand. I dunno, I'm just not sympathetic to the train of thought because I'm a bitter old spinster. Need to go clean out the cobwebs. From where, you ask? An old lady never tells... ;)
In my experience, finding "the one" shows you that the times you thought you were in love before were not even close. You may think you are experiencing love in prior relationships and maybe it is but it is on a whole new level when it is the person you are meant to be with. My advice is, no matter how bad it seems after ending a relationship, just think that it will be so much better in the future. Just my thoughts from an obnosiously happy married person!
@ becca: good to hear your thots, even if its from the married perspective!
@sarai: u bitter old spinster! lol, only joking. i think your point is well taken. you have to be ready for whatever comes if you decide to "do the crime". and at times, i think ur right that this guy was a bit naive in simply blurting it all out at once. but he can be like that sometimes...
ultimately, we're all emotional beings and we're not necessarily looking for people to share those emotions, tho it's always nice when some do.
women experience this heartbreak so often. I am so sorry that he feels burnt and has been rejected but life does go on....I hope he took/takes the time to process his approach to this relationship and makes a better decision next time. Also, I believe "the one" is the one we choose to give our best to because he or she makes you strive to be your best daily. I wish him all the best....its part of life. We all hate rejection.
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