Top 10 - reasons not to stay at a resort slash lodge slash motel

I've haven't done lists in some time, so i figured its about time to bring them back. so for the next few weeks, this blog will feature several lists, along with a bit of commentary. if that makes anybody unhappy, i do not apologise. tough. tho i think it will be fun.

this week's list consist of reasons why i will never again stay at a shady lodge/motel. ok, maybe not never, but not for a long time and hopefully not for work. this week in botswana, there was apparently some big conference and since my colleague and i booked accomodations late, we were stuck with one option - the yarona country lodge. to say that this "lodge" is indeed in the "country" or is in fact a "lodge" would just be "overwhelmingly" "incorrect" (as incorrect as these ""s). was it in a small city even? no. small town? nope. this lodge sat in some small village outside (i think) gaborone city. so on to the top 10:

10. customer service what?? no such thing. in fact the opposite. angry workers wondering why you're disturbing their life by staying at their establishment.

9. dirt. its everywhere. you mean you actually have to clean for guests?

8. staying on the subject of cleanliness, shower shoes and towels. never go to a shady place and forget these 2 essentials. that bathroom was nastily dirty. and the towels, i just don't wanna think about the towels... i chose to air dry, in full view of anyone passing by, cuz of course, the windows don't close.

7. speaking of bathrooms, just to let u know how classy of an establishment it was, they had a full box of condoms - "silky smooth and secure" - by the sink, just in case.

6. emergency button. located just above the bed. again just in case u're having a bit too much fun and you need some assistance. i was tempted to try out the button to see what happens (a loud siren? bull dog comes running? guard barges in with his batton cuz hes not allowed to carry a gun?...), but i chose not to do it.

5. curtains that look like the bed sheets and bed sheets that look and feel like the curtains. hmm... i was too afraid to open up the sheets and see what surprises lay ahead of me (or beneath me) so i slept on top.

4. curfew for internet. yep. kinda like when u were in school and they kicked u out of the lab, right??...there were 2 places to use the internet at this resort slash lodge slash motel. one was in the "restaurant" and that closed at 10pm. I was doing work one night and reached a point where i had to get some info from a couple websites and then email the work. it was close to 10, so i decided to go to the other place, the conference room, to get online and work in peace and quiet. was working for only about 40 minutes when one of the lovely ladies came to me and told me they were closing up at 11pm. so i said fine, just tell me where i will be able to go online and i'll move. turns out theres no other place in this establishment, and apparently 11pm is the curfew for internet use. so i kindly inform her that i will be staying exactly where i am until i finish the work and email. I think she thought this was an argument, because she (and then a few other lovely ladies) kept pointing out the problems in my plan. in my head, it was a pretty simple plan: if this is indeed the only place to use the internet, then i would remain here until i finished my work. see, no argument. and thats exactly what happened. i think i was fair.

3. Dogs. Loud dogs. traffic to and from this place gets really bad, so we decided to leave for work around 6AM. this meant i typically got up at 5 in the morning. by this time the dogs were in full swing, barking at god-knows-what. but barking nonetheless and continuously.

2. The dogs were not the only sound. no no, the dogs actually came last. before the dogs started, the chicken/foul/roosters were in full swing. cock-crowing at the crack of dawn just to make sure that if #1 hasn't woken u up yet, you would now be awake.

and the grand-daddy of them all...

#1: frogs. bull frogs. the damn bull f-ing frogs. loudest bullfrogs you've ever heard. they got started looong before the chicken and looooong before the dogs. they started around 1130PM took a break between 1-245AM, then kept going from then till at least the time we left, at 6AM. i know this cuz i could only sleep between 1-3AM. these stupid creatures must've thought they were making melodic tones that would soothe u into a lovely slumber, barry-white-style. when one frog on one side would take a breather, another would fill in for it, in a slightly different tune (typically a lower bass or sometimes baritone). the result: frog harmonic synphony lilkke you've never heard before. and because they were so good, they ensured that there was no way in hell you could fall asleep during their extended performance. and later on, when the chicken and dogs chimes in...animal farm meets bach like u've never experienced.

so all in all, truly a once (err, maybe its been a couple times now) in a lifetime sort of experience. actually thats more of a wish and a prayer than anything. God, let this be a once in a lifetime deal. I've learned my lesson. be warned.