i want to be angry

[i don't really know if this is appropriate or not. i apologise to anyone i offend by this post; just how i feel]

the handsome, bubbly kid in the pics above. his name is emma (short for emmanuel. short for god with us). he's the only child of one of the most courageous and god-fearing missionaries i know in uganda. he's dead. car accident. along with his mom and his grandma.

i want to be angry. very angry. i really do. i need to be angry. and i want to stay angry. i don't know who/what to be angry at. i don't know what to do.

i'm praying for his father and uncle and rest of his family; can't imaging what theyre going thru. is that really all i can do? why did this have to happen? why am i filled with so much emotion? don't these things happen all the time? will i, in a few days or weeks, go back to my normal life and only think of emma and gorretti every once in a while?

last week i saw a man who had just been hit by a car, lying, face to the ground, in the middle of the street. i didn't see the hit, but it mustve been absolutely brutal. the guy attempted to raise his head (thank god he wasn't dead). he may have wished he was. i could see his face completely covered in blood. all the limbs were still in place, as far as i could tell. but judging from the writhing look on his face, his moans, and the crowds surrounding him, it mustve been a sizable hit. i drove away. shocked. barely able to drive. a few days latter, i only seldom think of it.

couple weeks ago, the theme around was failing relationships. people really close to me. people in my church. everywhere, there was news of troubled families and failing relationships. the hurt in people's eyes, whether directly impacted or not, was/is enough to break ones heart. a couple weeks later, i only sometimes pray for them. even when i do, is that really all? pray and wait? hope and pray? trust and obey?

i wanna go to a place where i can hold the intangibles and let go of the pain with all my mind;
i wanna go to a place where i'm suspending in ecstasy;

somewhere, between dark and light;

where wrong becomes right; i wanna go to beautiful...

after the tears subside, i'm gonna drown myself in music.